The Exploding Stomachs of Satan and Death
by Amber the Placenta
Summary: The heroes of rock cannot beat a song.
1. Chapter 1

When the notes came, they came in fucking hurricanes. Johnny Napalm stood strong against the swarm, but the ground opened up and Lou flew out wearing the Grim Ripper's wings, distracting Johnny and making him fail the song. Lou was knocked out of the air by Eddie Knox, who jumped out from behind a passing air particle and was brandishing a guitar made out of vaginas, which he broke Lou's horns off with. Eddie Knox crushed the horns into star power then snorted it, making his rock meter explode and flames envelop the venue.

Eddie Knox roared as his fingers caught fire and he sent Lou's hornless head into Metalhead's space house with a blazing death punch. From a black hole torn agape by his rage flew Judy Nails, who clawed Eddie Knox's face off then threw it into the crowd, who fought to the death for the right to eat it while Izzy Sparks searched for his hat. Metalhead abducted Izzy to his house then slapped Lou's head upon his own.

Wearing Lou's skull gave Izzy Sparks the power to be a boss. He sent Judy Nails back to the dimension she belonged in, flew to Eddie Knox then smeared star power upon his exposed bloody skull, healing his face from near death. Johnny Napalm won the deathmatch and devoured the old one. Izzy and Eddie killed Johnny Napalm then rolled in his radioactive viscera, giving them raging stiffies which jizzed star power on the corpses of their fans.

The smell of blood summoned Lars Umlaut, who was angry because Eddie and Izzy drank all the blood before he got there. He roared as he punched through Izzy Sparks's stomach and ripped out his liver, which he threw into the sun as a sacrifice to Lou's headless body. This sacrificed turned Johnny Napalm's carcass into a reincarnation of the Grim Ripper.

The Grim Ripper took flight upon feathers of gamma radiation as he tore Eddie Knox's spine out to make a new Scythe with. But the Grim Ripper's skull was punched off by Axel Steel, who put Eddie's spine back in before he was slain by Pandora who ate his rock essence.

Eddie vowed to avenge Axel. His tattoos glowed with the fury of a trillion full combos as he unleashed a hypersonic rockwave upon the globe, freezing his band's lead singer and drummer inside liquid chromite. He tried to freeze Pandora, but she was absolute zero and smacked him upside the face with a purple keytar from dimension X. Eddie licked the keytar sensually then bit it in half. He put the neck in his ass pocket for lunch tomorrow, then punched the body through Pandora's face, causing global warming.

Eddie's lunch was stolen by Xavier Stone, who was attacked by Izzy Sparks but Izzy was broken in half by Midori who threw his hips at Clive Winston, who exploded and sprayed Casey Lynch in his insides which were nothing but cannabis leaves. Casey summoned the planet Mars to smash everyone else with, then rode it to the Andromeda galaxy wielding The Log, but Eddie Knox and Izzy Sparks's torso clung to the planet, following her to planet Meeborp where Metalhead and Fembot hail from. Casey Lynch sliced the planet in half then drank its core of liquid metal, but she was slain by Eddie. He took her top half off then attached the legs to Izzy Sparks, saving him. It was for naught, since Mars exploded because Lars Umlaut masturbated on Axel Steel's corpse. The explosion killed not only the Andromeda galaxy, but the Milky Way galaxy as well. Only Lars Umlaut survived. He laughed as he drifted through space on a chunk of the Earth, but he forgot to pack food. He ate Axel Steel's corpse, giving him prion disease which made him eat his own limbs and exsanguinate in space.


	2. Chapter 2

The song was unsung. Eddie Knox was in his garage. His '55 hot rod was there with him, idling with impatience.

Eddie dropped his pants, revealing expensive robot legs and hips. He caressed the car's hood. Her engine revved with affection and excitement.

"My love, I finally did it. I finally saved up enough money for the surgery. We can finally, truly be together."

Eddie Knox got into position behind her. He slammed his robotic hips against her bumper so hard, it left dents in her transmission which would leave her driving funny for weeks. He made love to her throughout the night, years of pent up sexual frustration escaping with his manly grease. But he still left her when she got pregnant.

9 months later, the lonely hot rod, now a rat rod from letting herself go, gave birth to fraternal twins. She named them Fembot and Metalhead, because she was bad at naming things. They still don't know who their father is.


	3. Chapter 3

The empires of orange and blue notes waged war. General Nostrum of the blue notes was a slider gem, who was once a chord with an orange note before the war.

General Nostrum swung its scepter.

"CHAAARGE!" it roared as its army stormed the orange castle. Despot Fuckpinky, a tyrannical dictator, sicced its own military upon the blue warriors.

The notes waged war for entire minutes. The berth of their feud surpassed their meager national boundaries, crossing over to the yellow, red and eventually green nations as well. Guitar Hero World War ensued, the nations viciously spamming notes and sustains at each other.

Eventually, the holiday season came, and the note colors, calling a truce, banded together to form chords for the first time in ages. Nostrum and Fuckpinky held star power chains in the festivity, reminiscing upon their days as a chord before marital strife divided them and their people. The chords were short-lived, however, for they resumed their ferocious feuding on the crack of everyday dawn, until all perished in the clusterfuck. Nostrum and Fuckpinky shed star power tears as they died alone, side by side like the halcyon days they could never reclaim.

This great war was dubbed "Jordan" by a historian with a bucket on his head.


End file.
